11 Reasons Why You SHOULD Hate Snow.

If you’ve never experienced snow before; DON’T!

I’M SOOO SERIOUS!

It’s EXACTLY like a barbie doll, it just looks pretty, but it naa nuh use! You don’t believe me? Fine. Lemme break it down to you (and even then, I’m pretty sure if you’ve never experienced it, you’re still gonna want to… you know… just because. Yuh too nuff, a dat do yuh >_< )

So what happens when it snows? Well my dear brethren and friends, this is what happens:

Everybody wants to make snow
angels! Even I used to want to…
In the good old days when like
you, I didn’t know it was evil yet.

1. Snow is fun… but… Face it. I’m sure you’re hoping to one day dive in the snow, ski/sled/snowboard, make snow angels, build snowmen, women & children, and have snowball fights. That’s all well and good, and these activities really are fun, but it takes several inches (or even a foot or more) of snow to make these fun activities possible. It would be absolutely great if snow figured out a way to just fall on the grass and open lots, while avoiding the roads, walkways, driveways and parking spots; but the white stuff doesn’t have GPS apparently. Bummer. Have fun shoveling to make way to walk! (Btw, depending on how moist that stuff is, it’s HEAVY.) You wanted snow? Enjoy your back and arm workout. Oh, speaking of GPS, that leads me to point #2.

2. It makes driving even more difficult. Some people already couldn’t drive good from mawnin’ and now this just mek it rersara! (Worse-er-er–full ghetto style). The visibility can be pretty poor if snow’s coming down real hard, and your poor wipers may not be able to fully fend it off. WORSE if it’s the kind with ice that sticks to your windshield. Hope you have plenty anti-freeze wiper fluid! Also, if you hate skidding, a snow covered road is not for you, as the higher the snow, the more likely you are to skid. They will actually close certain roads where the conditions are too bad. They really should make every vehicle have at least a switch to become 4WD during the winter… *le sigh* (yuh know who nuh have 4WD right?)
Snow basically causes a domino effect of things to happen, so I’m just going down the line here. Point #3.

3. If you’re skidding all over the place, or you know you will be, yuh cyaa guh no weh! When it snows, if you don’t have to go anywhere, kip u ‘kin quiet and knit or read a book. The last thing you want to do is skid and fall in a ditch and yuh cyaa come out. Dat naa play.

A classic snow plough.

4. Snow causes potholes! If you thought that 1st world countries don’t have potholes, think again. Or better yet, visit only in the summer time. Holes should be fixed by then. Maybe. But during the winter? The roads are a mess! This is all (okay… mostly) due to the evil white stuff from the sky! When the roads are snow covered, the plough trucks have to come and push the snow away, and they erode the road surface, creating huge craters for your driving pleasure.

Smirnoff Black Ice

5. All evil things have evil friends. Snow’s evil friend is called Ice. Ice is very dangerous. Skidding on ice is worse than snow. It creates lots of accidents and you have to drive reeeeeally slowly all the time. Unfortunately, sometimes you’ll still have accidents, even when you are extremely careful. It happens. Probably should just display all your insurance details on your car during the winter. And how could I forget that ultra special Ninja Icecalled “Black Ice”. You don’t see it, but it sees you, and when you skid in black ice, just prepare for the worst. Naturally, ice affects walking too. You have to have shoes with very good grip, and yuh shoes coulda good suh til; but the best shoe is still no match for the nature made ‘Slip n’ Slide’. I wouldn’t blame you for wearing track spikes in this kind of weather.
P.S.A: If you do not possess a large tuchus, please have adequate padding to cushion your fall. That is all.

6. This wintery weather will causes States of Emergency all the time. When I was in Jamaica, the only time there was ever a State of Emergency was during a Hurricane, or if Dudus was around hiding from the Babylon man dem while his cronies engaged said Babylon in a shootout. How would you like a State of Emergency everytime 6 or more inches of snow happens? Every week at that! It’s no fun, because (and I’ll just segue into point #7)
7. Everything is closed and postponed. This can be good and bad I suppose. When it snows, work may close–depending on your field of work (sorry nurses, CNAs, Wal-Mart employees–messed up but it serious–and snow ploughers, but your people need you). However, if you’re a temp/hourly paid worker; hush. You can make up the pay next week. Maybe. Oh wait, two snow days next week too? Bwoy yuh salt rasta! (I’ll pretend I don’t know how this feels (._.)
If you’re a gym junkie (like me–I admit it now), even though the gym is 5mins away; they’re closed too, so you can’t take advantage of not having work. Bummer. (Plus your mother will probably cuss yuh and ask weh yuh tink yaa guh and if yuh cyaa miss gym fi one day -__-).

Oh! If you were planning to go to that big concert, you know, the one you spent $200USD on for tickets,
*New York accent* FUGGEDDABOUDIT! You’ll probably get a refund, since it’s not Jamaica (sorry homeland but a true) or they’ll have it another day if you’re lucky. Things will get cancelled all the time, thanks to the tiny white pellets of destruction from the sky.

So beautiful right???

And wrapping up: 9. Snow looks NASTY when it’s been around for a while. Trust me, you know how yuh couldn’t believe how Bredda So and So nice, nice pure (like bulk syrup) daughter bore up di whole of her good up good up bothy, full a bere tattoo and did that awful hairstyle you didn’t like? Same suh snow stay. White and pretty when it’s fresh, and then brown/black and DUTTY when it stale. Nuhbadi nuh waa si dat.

10. Too much snow (if you’re in the mountains) = Avalanche. An avalanche is like a landslide, just that it’s snow (and whatever else the snow is taking down with it that you can’t see). It can be very dangerous to have all that heavy white stuff fall on you. Several people have lost their lives. Avoid all mountains and hills when it snows.

Also, though surprising; snow tends to happen mostly above freezing temperatures, I’ll still point out the obvious, in the final point, number eleven:

11. Time cowl yuh fenneh
(Jamaica’s tropical weather anyone? Me miss! Me miss! o/ )

**********

JUST TO BE BALANCED AND FAIR, I guess because of the journalist in me, I actually looked up the Benefits of snow. I was surprised that there actually were any. Courtesy of this site and this one. (My reactions are in bold).

1. One major benefit of a good snow cover is snow functions as an excellent insulator of the soil. Without snow, very cold temperatures can freeze the soil deeper and deeper. This could lead to damage of root systems of trees and shrubs. That’s actually pretty good BUT! (my grinch moment) Heavy snow can damage trees and shrubs as the weight accumulates on branches. Aha!

2. Small animals, such as voles (field mice) are now protected from predators. These pests may gnaw on tender bark at the base of young tree trunks and the stems of shrubs. Voles also will tunnel on the surface of lawns under the snow, making very visible winding trails as the snows melt in spring. Rabbits will also be more likely to feed on tender bark when the ground is covered. To this I say, SOOOOO?! Afta wi nuh like rat!

3. One final positive on the snow is the enhanced visibility of some landscape plantings. Trees and shrubs with ornamental bark, such as red twig dogwood or river birches, look more brilliant. Ornamental grasses left standing from last season are much more visible. Evergreens may look much greener, especially when a bright red cardinal is sitting in them. Meh. Mek dem move n gweh wid dat! Bout look brilliant. Brilliance naa help me shovel.

4. Melting snow provides needed moisture to many plants. Even dormant plants continue to lose moisture as water evaporates through their branches. Okay, I suppose that’s good…

5. Snow also replenishes the water supply. You may have heard that 10 inches of snow equals 1 inch of rain, but it’s actually much more complex than that… Alright, alright. Fine, two good things; three tops!

So anyway… After reading all this, are you still excited for snow? If you are; good for you. All I have to say to that is:

Bah! Humbug!

(Enjoy the scenery).


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