Inside My Road Rage – Alwayne: The Driver

I’d say I’m a fairly green fresh driver. I’ve been driving without being in daddy’s or mommy’s lap for about a cumulative total of 1 and 3/4 years.**

**I’m not even gonna pay you any attention if you’re wondering if I was sitting in their laps for all the time I was at my current size before I started driving in the big boy seat all by my lonesome. If the thought even crossed your mind, kindly slap yourself. Thank you.

Anywhoooo. I’ve always prided myself in being a very careful driver. I’m sure my friends will vouch for me. I’m so careful, my parents allowed me to drive to Mandeville from Kingston on my learner’s! \o/ (and yes, I had licenced company–I ain’t tryna be a law breaker).
My company; my shorter (but older and wiser) sister by another mother–and this may be a compliment and a small insult to me as a man in the same breath–described my driving as a MAN: “He doesn’t drive fast, but he doesn’t drive slow either.”

What the hell? Who wants to drive JUST RIGHT? I’m a man! Man fi drive faaaaaaasss!!!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! You believe me? *sigh*–you probably shouldn’t :/

It’s probably true though, I’m pretty cautious and law abiding. So much so, I don’t have a story of how I stole the car and went to Burger King while my parents slept. And mommy, if you’re reading this blog (as I recently learned you do!) you know seh I would never do that! 😀

😦 Mi lame nuh true?



I have however gotten 3 tickets… already. Yes. ALL UNWARRANTED. 2 of them because I was black (this is my story and I’m sticking to it!), and the other because I was a rookie driver.
Twas just my luck, the VERY DAY after getting my licence, after driving from Portmore to St. Mary and back, I was literally 30 seconds away from home and some crosses police pulled me over. Perhaps it was because the “L” was still on the car and they saw 4 persons in it and thought they could catch a big break with an unlicenced driver. That wasn’t the case. However, before being pulled over, I made a turn at the stoplight on amber, so upon realizing I had a day old licence, they accused me of breaking the red light and gave me a ticket for $4000 JMD. I know I didn’t do it, but I didn’t even have the will to argue as I was upset from earlier because:

Ticket numero uno

1. I was supposed to play ball and when I got to Andrews, the rim did bruck
2. Some idiot stopped suddenly on the little strip of road connecting Mandela Highway to Portmore and if I wasn’t sharp I would have surely had my 1st fender bender.

PLUS, I was tired from driving and I just wanted to go home. I planned to go to court, but then I decided at the last minute to go abroad, and everybody I told said it would be my word against the police’s, so I just paid it.

The other incident, a rich looking white man driving a 2012 Benz (in 2012) ran into the back of my cousin’s Acura that I was driving in New Jersey on I-78, minutes away from the Newark airport where I was gonna pick him up. Why these things be happening when I almost reach where I going?! To cut a long story short, the police gave me, MEEEE! not one but TWO tickets, for “unsafe lane change” and “driving without a licence” (which was in his hand) and he did not witness the accident. I won’t even talk bout how he towed the car and then dropped me off on a street corner in some place I didn’t know and left me in the cold. Thankfully God is good, and I went to court and only paid $33USD; only because my flight to come back to JA was already booked and a plea deal was the only way to leave and not risk getting locked up when trying to re-enter the US, because the court dates they had were all after the date of my flight. There’s no way I was gonna lose that, cause that was some serious victimization.

Ticket #2 (Now u know what a NJ ticket looks like)
Ticket #3 (BTW A who name “Allen A Channing?! :S)



















TIP: Don’t drive in New Jersey if:

– You don’t have to
– You’re black
– You’re not American
– or you’re conveniently dressed in a hoodie (due to the cold) + you’re black
– You plan to get hit in the back of your car by a white person
– (or my favourite) you’re black + not American + dressed in a hoodie + driving your cousin’s sports car

So yeah, I drive safely, but mi jus salt!

A Suzie look-alike 🙂

Now to the issue of my road rage: if you’ve driven with me before, you would hear me in action. My road rage is very mild; I haven’t gotten into any roadside fight yet, but I have my piece a board an’ two prayer if a man waa try sum’n! But bwoy, Jamaican drivers, specifically taxis annoy the heaven outta me! I wish I drove a big van, with a BIG iron on the front so I could just clobber any unruly driver. Probably that’s why God gave me Suzie (my little Subaru Justy). Someone needs to teach dutty, stinking naasi, frowsy, unruly drivers a lesson, and I wish it could be me. My car nuh insure fi tek lick still, so good sense always prevails. One day though, I’ll be rich. And when I get there, just watch, mi aguh slap couple a dem offa di road. #OH! because had I had a big vehicle I probably would’ve hit a couple vehicles by now… big and serious.

Like everyone else, I hate when people a drive and a shine dem bright bright light inna Jah son yeye! Nuh because my car light dem ole’ and nuh bright dem feel seh mi muss blind! ‘Sas crise man!

 
****AMMENDMENT****

(Made on 17.5.2013) HOW could I forget?!
My people… My lovely, wonderful people who turn suddenly without indicating, switch lanes suddenly without indicating, or indicate afta unno done mek the turn… There’s a special place in hell for all of you. Okay, that’s a tad drastic :S But yeah, that’s super annoying! I really wish I could fishtail a couple of you and let you spin out of control… When nothing is coming of course *nervous chuckle*

 
****AMMENDMENT****

LAST ting. People. People. PEOPLE.
HIF HIT WERE NAT FAR DI GRACE OF GOD, I WUDDA SLAP DUNG NUFF A UNNO! JUST. LIKE. THIS!

Why some people feel seh dem muss cross di street pan green light? Eeeeeeeeeh? Dem tink seh dem a cyaar? Dem mek outta metal? Mek dem gwaan y’hear? I waa jus graze a couple a dem, mek dem learn. Chuh man.

WAIT.

I wonder if this will be used against me? Suppose I hit someone by accident one day?
Eeeeeeek! This would be incriminating evidence! *draws for Shaggy’s ole chune*

Hmmm… I plead insanity and unsound mind from early! Muahahahahahahaa D:

(Now to plot how to secretly eviscerate these nuisances on the road….)

I had to go look for some sorta video… Just look at this fool below. SMH

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2 thoughts on “Inside My Road Rage – Alwayne: The Driver

  1. THe last video was hilarious. Yup…dogs are the worst! KMT
    Another great read. I stifled a few laughs (because I'm at work). You already know my story…driving to westmoreland from Mandeville with not even my learners…bwoy..my mother should be ashamed. I wouldn't say I have road rage at all but I have seen you in action. I've heard you make your threats too…yuh nuh so bad! I've seen worse!

    Like

  2. Hehe… I guess I'm not that bad… But I really do wanna hit some people!!! My parents would never take those risks your mom did. And you've seen the evidence–I don't blame them. I have NOTHING called luck.

    Like

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