Inside My Road Rage – Alwayne: The Driver

I’d say I’m a fairly green fresh driver. I’ve been driving without being in daddy’s or mommy’s lap for about a cumulative total of 1 and 3/4 years.**

**I’m not even gonna pay you any attention if you’re wondering if I was sitting in their laps for all the time I was at my current size before I started driving in the big boy seat all by my lonesome. If the thought even crossed your mind, kindly slap yourself. Thank you.

Anywhoooo. I’ve always prided myself in being a very careful driver. I’m sure my friends will vouch for me. I’m so careful, my parents allowed me to drive to Mandeville from Kingston on my learner’s! \o/ (and yes, I had licenced company–I ain’t tryna be a law breaker).
My company; my shorter (but older and wiser) sister by another mother–and this may be a compliment and a small insult to me as a man in the same breath–described my driving as a MAN: “He doesn’t drive fast, but he doesn’t drive slow either.”

What the hell? Who wants to drive JUST RIGHT? I’m a man! Man fi drive faaaaaaasss!!!
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!! You believe me? *sigh*–you probably shouldn’t :/

It’s probably true though, I’m pretty cautious and law abiding. So much so, I don’t have a story of how I stole the car and went to Burger King while my parents slept. And mommy, if you’re reading this blog (as I recently learned you do!) you know seh I would never do that! 😀

😦 Mi lame nuh true?

I have however gotten 3 tickets… already. Yes. ALL UNWARRANTED. 2 of them because I was black (this is my story and I’m sticking to it!), and the other because I was a rookie driver.
Twas just my luck, the VERY DAY after getting my licence, after driving from Portmore to St. Mary and back, I was literally 30 seconds away from home and some crosses police pulled me over. Perhaps it was because the “L” was still on the car and they saw 4 persons in it and thought they could catch a big break with an unlicenced driver. That wasn’t the case. However, before being pulled over, I made a turn at the stoplight on amber, so upon realizing I had a day old licence, they accused me of breaking the red light and gave me a ticket for $4000 JMD. I know I didn’t do it, but I didn’t even have the will to argue as I was upset from earlier because:

Ticket numero uno

1. I was supposed to play ball and when I got to Andrews, the rim did bruck
2. Some idiot stopped suddenly on the little strip of road connecting Mandela Highway to Portmore and if I wasn’t sharp I would have surely had my 1st fender bender.

PLUS, I was tired from driving and I just wanted to go home. I planned to go to court, but then I decided at the last minute to go abroad, and everybody I told said it would be my word against the police’s, so I just paid it.

The other incident, a rich looking white man driving a 2012 Benz (in 2012) ran into the back of my cousin’s Acura that I was driving in New Jersey on I-78, minutes away from the Newark airport where I was gonna pick him up. Why these things be happening when I almost reach where I going?! To cut a long story short, the police gave me, MEEEE! not one but TWO tickets, for “unsafe lane change” and “driving without a licence” (which was in his hand) and he did not witness the accident. I won’t even talk bout how he towed the car and then dropped me off on a street corner in some place I didn’t know and left me in the cold. Thankfully God is good, and I went to court and only paid $33USD; only because my flight to come back to JA was already booked and a plea deal was the only way to leave and not risk getting locked up when trying to re-enter the US, because the court dates they had were all after the date of my flight. There’s no way I was gonna lose that, cause that was some serious victimization.

Ticket #2 (Now u know what a NJ ticket looks like)
Ticket #3 (BTW A who name “Allen A Channing?! :S)

TIP: Don’t drive in New Jersey if:

– You don’t have to
– You’re black
– You’re not American
– or you’re conveniently dressed in a hoodie (due to the cold) + you’re black
– You plan to get hit in the back of your car by a white person
– (or my favourite) you’re black + not American + dressed in a hoodie + driving your cousin’s sports car

So yeah, I drive safely, but mi jus salt!

A Suzie look-alike 🙂

Now to the issue of my road rage: if you’ve driven with me before, you would hear me in action. My road rage is very mild; I haven’t gotten into any roadside fight yet, but I have my piece a board an’ two prayer if a man waa try sum’n! But bwoy, Jamaican drivers, specifically taxis annoy the heaven outta me! I wish I drove a big van, with a BIG iron on the front so I could just clobber any unruly driver. Probably that’s why God gave me Suzie (my little Subaru Justy). Someone needs to teach dutty, stinking naasi, frowsy, unruly drivers a lesson, and I wish it could be me. My car nuh insure fi tek lick still, so good sense always prevails. One day though, I’ll be rich. And when I get there, just watch, mi aguh slap couple a dem offa di road. #OH! because had I had a big vehicle I probably would’ve hit a couple vehicles by now… big and serious.

Like everyone else, I hate when people a drive and a shine dem bright bright light inna Jah son yeye! Nuh because my car light dem ole’ and nuh bright dem feel seh mi muss blind! ‘Sas crise man!


(Made on 17.5.2013) HOW could I forget?!
My people… My lovely, wonderful people who turn suddenly without indicating, switch lanes suddenly without indicating, or indicate afta unno done mek the turn… There’s a special place in hell for all of you. Okay, that’s a tad drastic :S But yeah, that’s super annoying! I really wish I could fishtail a couple of you and let you spin out of control… When nothing is coming of course *nervous chuckle*


LAST ting. People. People. PEOPLE.

Why some people feel seh dem muss cross di street pan green light? Eeeeeeeeeh? Dem tink seh dem a cyaar? Dem mek outta metal? Mek dem gwaan y’hear? I waa jus graze a couple a dem, mek dem learn. Chuh man.


I wonder if this will be used against me? Suppose I hit someone by accident one day?
Eeeeeeek! This would be incriminating evidence! *draws for Shaggy’s ole chune*

Hmmm… I plead insanity and unsound mind from early! Muahahahahahahaa D:

(Now to plot how to secretly eviscerate these nuisances on the road….)

I had to go look for some sorta video… Just look at this fool below. SMH


2 thoughts on “Inside My Road Rage – Alwayne: The Driver

  1. THe last video was hilarious. Yup…dogs are the worst! KMT
    Another great read. I stifled a few laughs (because I'm at work). You already know my story…driving to westmoreland from Mandeville with not even my learners… mother should be ashamed. I wouldn't say I have road rage at all but I have seen you in action. I've heard you make your threats too…yuh nuh so bad! I've seen worse!


  2. Hehe… I guess I'm not that bad… But I really do wanna hit some people!!! My parents would never take those risks your mom did. And you've seen the evidence–I don't blame them. I have NOTHING called luck.


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