Lastnight (Thursday March 14, 2013) I had an epiphany. I usually have many of these.
I REALLY hate failure, or even perceived failure, if I’m the person who has failed. Some people don’t care, some people do but they don’t get bogged down by it.
When I fail (or even feel like I’ve failed even if I really haven’t), I like to crawl into a little hole, and nothing anyone says can get me out. I have to (by my own power) put on my big boy pants, suck it up, and climb out myself.
If you haven’t noticed by now, there is no jubilant update about my expected weight gain, simply because there is none. Lastnight I went to the gym, expecting to see a decent increase in my weight, only to be hugely disappointed at the insignificant (to me) +1 pound difference. Nevermind the fact that I look and perhaps feel bigger than I was on February 19 when I returned to the gym after being out since January 30.
When I fail I feel like what I was doing is pointless and no matter what you say to me in the moment I just think I should put my time and energy elsewhere and forget about it. It’s like I’m on a pointless road to nowhere when really there are only two roads to choose.
I thought about it and I realize my hatred of failure is possibly why I don’t like to lose in sports and this probably fuels my naturally competitive nature. When I was a kid, I hated losing so bad, that even when playing board games, such as Egypt to Canaan (a popular Adventist game) or others, if mi lose, mi wudda bawl! You might laugh and think I was just soft, spoiled or bawly bawly, but the fact is I hated losing then, and I hate it even more now. If everybody had a theme song in life when they walked into rooms that just starts playing all around, I imagine when I walk in my song would be (LOUD TOO!):
I understand that you can’t possibly expect to succeed at everything, yet I think I should (don’t we all?), but things that I have direct control over bother me the most. Like replenishing the 6.6lbs I lost in the space of 3wks. Who knows? Maybe being absent from the gym wasn’t the only reason I lost so much weight, but the fact is I don’t intend for it to happen again. I guess however, that instead of looking at the half empty glass, I should look at it half full nuh true? 1 pound down, 5.6 pounds to go and beyond! Kmt…
If I had been atleast 2 more pounds heavier I would’ve felt better, felt like I made real progress. But alas, I didn’t. I’m at a crossroads again, wondering if I should continue with this gym thing or stop wasting my money and accept that I’m quintessentially skinny. I dunno yaa man… I cyaa bother with not reaching my goals. And the worst thing is that I don’t set exoribitant, out of this world goals. I’m a pretty realistic guy, so you can see my dilemma here. I guess I just need to take this picture and make it my mantra.
Chuh yaa man! Mi still bex. Mi gone back inna mi hole. Mi cyaa find mi big boy pants.
Eventually I’ll get to the point where I readily accept, build and move on from failure. Eventually. Maybe. Probably. Possibly? I hope
|If only you knew little baby! You nuh kno yet!