I Hate Failure!!!

Lastnight (Thursday March 14, 2013) I had an epiphany. I usually have many of these.
I REALLY hate failure, or even perceived failure, if I’m the person who has failed. Some people don’t care, some people do but they don’t get bogged down by it.

Me?

When I fail (or even feel like I’ve failed even if I really haven’t), I like to crawl into a little hole, and nothing anyone says can get me out. I have to (by my own power) put on my big boy pants, suck it up, and climb out myself.

If you haven’t noticed by now, there is no jubilant update about my expected weight gain, simply because there is none. Lastnight I went to the gym, expecting to see a decent increase in my weight, only to be hugely disappointed at the insignificant (to me) +1 pound difference. Nevermind the fact that I look and perhaps feel bigger than I was on February 19 when I returned to the gym after being out since January 30.

When I fail I feel like what I was doing is pointless and no matter what you say to me in the moment I just think I should put my time and energy elsewhere and forget about it. It’s like I’m on a pointless road to nowhere when really there are only two roads to choose.
I thought about it and I realize my hatred of failure is possibly why I don’t like to lose in sports and this probably fuels my naturally competitive nature. When I was a kid, I hated losing so bad, that even when playing board games, such as Egypt to Canaan (a popular Adventist game) or others, if mi lose, mi wudda bawl! You might laugh and think I was just soft, spoiled or bawly bawly, but the fact is I hated losing then, and I hate it even more now. If everybody had a theme song in life when they walked into rooms that just starts playing all around, I imagine when I walk in my song would be (LOUD TOO!):
“ALL I DO IS WIN WIN WIN NO MATTER WHAT!” Run it DJ Khaled!
I understand that you can’t possibly expect to succeed at everything, yet I think I should (don’t we all?), but things that I have direct control over bother me the most. Like replenishing the 6.6lbs I lost in the space of 3wks. Who knows? Maybe being absent from the gym wasn’t the only reason I lost so much weight, but the fact is I don’t intend for it to happen again. I guess however, that instead of looking at the half empty glass, I should look at it half full nuh true? 1 pound down, 5.6 pounds to go and beyond! Kmt…
<—- Meh.  
If I had been atleast 2 more pounds heavier I would’ve felt better, felt like I made real progress. But alas, I didn’t. I’m at a crossroads again, wondering if I should continue with this gym thing or stop wasting my money and accept that I’m quintessentially skinny. I dunno yaa man… I cyaa bother with not reaching my goals. And the worst thing is that I don’t set exoribitant, out of this world goals. I’m a pretty realistic guy, so you can see my dilemma here. I guess I just need to take this picture and make it my mantra.
Chuh yaa man! Mi still bex. Mi gone back inna mi hole. Mi cyaa find mi big boy pants.
Eventually I’ll get to the point where I readily accept, build and move on from failure. Eventually. Maybe. Probably. Possibly? I hope :/
If only you knew little baby! You nuh kno yet!
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4 thoughts on “I Hate Failure!!!

  1. Funny enough I said to someone on Saturday while watching y'all play basketball that you seem like the kind of person who will storm off if you lose and throw a tantrum! Not cool Sir. Life is so much better when you're not a sore loser. Smile, shake it off and try again, knowing that you know the route and can easily win next time. Failure is good sometimes. Its suppsoed to humble us or hopefully reveal where we went wrong. Capitalize on it!

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  2. You're actually wrong there. I have never, and I will never throw a tantrum. I'll talk bout it and cuss, but tantrum? Hardly. I hate to lose but I'm not gonna fling chairs and kick weh d ball and talk bad about who won. So you have me pegged wrong right there. So, not cool to think that. Even though I hate losing, I'm a gracious loser when I think it's deserved. I'm not a sore loser. I tell ppl “good game” wen they beat me if they had a good game. You've seen me lose before and I'm sure you never saw me have a tantrum.

    As for the general issue of failure now, this particular one stings, to think that I put in so much effort to reap relatively nothing. Where did I go wrong? I dunno, therefore makes me feel like I was just wasting my time. And is not like I be going around saying “hey, look at me! I'm working out! Yuh nuh si me?” So I'm not very happy about that and now I pretty much have to decide if I'm gonna go back or not.

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  3. Hehehehehe. You sound like a woman who is fighting to lose weight and can't even budge. You like many persons have fallen prey to the “Go the gym and gain muscle every month” trick. Sorry but it doesn't work that way. Gaining muscle is based on a combination of things.

    Experience level: Newbies gain muscle at a faster rate. The more experienced you become is the slower your grow.

    Muscle Memory: Did you know that you can gain muscle you have lost much quicker than you gain “new” muscle growth?

    Age, Genetics, Your workout schedule and diet all come together to decided how fast you gain muscle. Muscle building is like building a relationship. It takes time, effort, love, food, patience. The greatest of these in my opinion is patience. So if you want to gain 10 pounds in 3 months then it's NOT going to happen unless you plan on using steroids. I work out for the look, for strength and for my health. I no longer watch my weight.

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  4. Sounds words sah… But remember I'm 6'3″ enuh! I cyaa luk like a stickman! I think my BMI is okay, but I'm on the light side, and I REALLY want to be more 2ward the heavier side. I don't wanna gain forever. Just wanna get to 190 then maintain that.

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